Huh...what...

I don't understand what I am doing, ever. I really think that this time I should take the step back and end it before it begins...before I get hurt and before this goes any further. No good can come of this.

I am still in my phase. My "I'd rather be with anyone and unhappy, than unhappy and alone." I know this isn't going to go anywhere....how could it? The hesitation on my part scares me and then there is the whole...I am just repeating what I just got away from. I mean, a guy that is paying attention to me...being sweet and giving compliments, yet is missing the fire and passion that I've had/have with others. There are no butterflies...just like last time.

And what was Monday all about....honestly. I can't watch a Vikings game without crying....are you kidding me? Does that mean I am still in love with him or does it just mean that I miss the feelings. I want to feel the way I did/do about him for someone else. Why can't I?

My past always comes back to haunt me with him and of course Justin. It was good to hear from him. It reminds me of how far I have come and what I deserve.

I just don't know what I want for real and what I should do. I know I'd most likely be somewhat settling if I continue down this path and then I will end up getting hurt by someone I don't even care about like last time. UGH that is what pisses me off the most...I didn't even like that fat fucker and he somehow was able to get to me. What the hell is wrong with me.....

Am I scared because I really like him or is it because I just don't want to get hurt.

Why am I letting Dumb and Dumber ruin a good thing? Is it all in my head? Will he hurt me like they all have before? Is it fair to compare his actions to the guys before? Before I get crazy, I should talk to him. But how do I start and not scare him or run him off or annoy him. Preface with.."Ok, I am about to be a total girl..." I don't think that would work. But it's only fair that we talk about this stuff. My hopes and fears in this relationship.

HOLY FUCK! I am in a relationship....

How did I get here? Was I really ready?

Did he really mean what he said?

I really really really really like him. I feel comfortable until my neurosis start to creep in. I guess I think about it too much. I just need to talk to him and if he can't handle my insecurities and weakness then I shouldn't be dating him anyway. I hate this side of me and if I am readay to really show him this side...and I have never let a guy get here to this point...then maybe I can have a relationship worth while and worth the heartache...if any.

I just need to do it....love without thinking...because, though I don't think I would ever want to date again if I got hurt once again...I probably, eventually, would.

So, I was just thinking about what I worte yesterday...and I laugh.

I found something today and the tears came. This is not going to be easy at all apparently.

I am going to have to hide all this from my friends. All these feelings I am still having for him. I will continue to have them, but I am not going to tell my friends. I don't want them knowing that I still can't let go. They will never understand and I don't expect them too. So I will be extremely unhealthy about it and tuck it away.

Nuff said!